You come in on drumbeat
Casual in black and gray
Forged in darkness, the ring you bear
Has a silver inscription, twisting the fine lines
Of our friendship into love,
Companions linked in darkness –
We are beautiful now
That we’ve come into the light
My skirt swishes in the dreary half-day
Of the rain cloud’s graying light
My black womb meshes one with yours
Hair a fine and silken red,
Your lips press gently down on me
Rain tongues drowning in the imagery
Of our lives, link to link
Rusted there by the magic of the night
Wet wood buckles us to a ground
Of muddy disposition
And although you can dusk-mask
Your agog fantasies
You cannot try to hide
The love amongst the brush and leaves
Floored by circumstances,
Undercover the wet blanket sky
The gray light lets us recognize
The fire alit in your eyes
In tune and exactly on beat
You revealed your love for me
I’m taken by the metal droplets
And the acidic taste of rain
Leaden fingers on my hips, I taste
You – so close for all these years
We never thought,
And now we’re caught,
In love with the dim lighting
Flashing life upon tourmaline
Webbing between our sorry eyes
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It was good, but I think you have to work more on the rhythm and the rhyme scheme. The wording didn't seem to make a lot of sense. That is okay, because my poems almost never make sense. =D>
Beautiful, I love this.
"You revealed your love for me
I’m taken by the metal droplets
And the acidic taste of rain
Leaden fingers on my hips, I taste
You – so close for all these years
We never thought,
And now we’re caught,
In love with the dim lighting
Flashing life upon tourmaline
Webbing between our sorry eyes."
I love the coarse language, it makes it so passionate.
The only thing I would say is the rhyming scheme, a little inconsistent and sounds uneasy on the tongue. It surprises me because you keep mentioning how everything in the poem happens on the beat. Perhaps your poem should reflect this? Or maybe you've done this on purpose, to reflect the indecisiveness of the situation?
Really nice work.